Arthur, an amateur actor, and Agnes, an aspiring accountant, arrived at Acacia Avenue and ascended to Aunt Annie’s abode, an azalea adorned apartment above an alley. Aunt Annie’s amiable Australian acquaintance, Albert, an apothecary, had already arrived, accompanying an agile and active, albeit aggressive animal, an Alsatian. All appeared attractively attired, Agnes, azure-eyed and alluring as always, Aunt Annie adorned as appropriately as ancient age and an artificial arm allowed, Arthur artistic and aristocratic, and Albert, an antipodean Adonis.
All ate asparagus and artichokes as appetisers, an ample anchovy and aubergine omelette accompanying an acceptably acid amontillado, and, as afters, assorted apples, almonds and apricots. Afterwards, appetites assuaged and abdomens aching, an animated argument arose. After all attempts at avoiding an altercation, Arthur, annoyed, announced abrasively that all Anzacs are arrogant avaricious adventurers. Albert aggravated the abuse, accusing Arthur’s aggression as an absurd Anglo-Saxon attitude against aliens. Agnes, antagonised, answered assertively. Atrocious after-dinner manners and awful anger abounded as adversaries attacked.
Then an awful accident arose, astounding all assembled. An alien apparition approached, an Albino Anaconda, as anaemic as alabaster, absconded from an animal asylum, appeared above Annie’s artificial aspidistra and attacked Albert’s Alsatian. Annie administered aqua-vitae and Agnes aspirin, adrenalin and antihistamines. Alas, all attempts to ameliorate advancing anaphylaxis achieved nought. All anger allayed, Albert attended aghast as an ailing Alsatian angel accessed the animal afterlife.
To atone for anger and attempt to make amends, Arthur, Agnes and Albert apologised abjectly to Aunt Annie. Asserting age’s authority, Aunt Annie affirmed agreement and accepted all apologies.
Saturday 26 February 2011
A GOOD VIEWING SPOT
Amber stifled a yawn and took a sideways peek at Grandma’s enormous bag, propped between them on the pavement. She wondered what the odds were that Grandma had another packet of chocolate biscuits. Quite good, she reckoned; Grandma’s bag was bottomless and guaranteed to prepare you for any imaginable emergency. The last biscuit, munched with a flask of hot coffee just as the sun was coming up over the Thames, felt like a long while ago. She calculated that this was the earliest she had ever got up, apart from the school trip to Margate in Year Four. She and Grandma had crept out of the house before even the Tube was running and had to wait in the morning cold for an all-night bus service, full of early workers. Not as many as usual, Grandma had explained, owing to this being a special bank holiday in honour of the wedding. But the early start had been worth it, to have got such a good spot for their two little camp chairs.
Grandma was an old hand at this, in more ways than one. She was proud to have seen every royal wedding since the Queen had married the Duke of Edinburgh, though if pressed on that one she would admit she had actually been too young to remember much about it. The coronation was a different matter, and she still had a jigsaw of the golden state coach; it lived in a battered old red white and blue box in the sideboard cupboard and it had a piece of sky missing at the top near Admiralty Arch. On wet days Amber was allowed to do the puzzle.
Grandma had slumped sideways in her camp chair and her eyes were shut; no chance of a biscuit yet then, not until she had finished ‘resting her eyes’. Amber studied the other people waiting alongside them. Some had brought blankets and sleeping bags and she wondered what it would be like to have a mass sleepover, all night long on the cold hard pavement. Just then there was a commotion behind as some new people turned up and started trying to barge to the front. They had loud voices and used naughty words. The people who were already there did not sound very pleased and used even more rude words. There was a lot of shoving and Amber sprung to her feet, and then found herself carried sideways, away from the camp chairs, and squashed against the red and white stripy plastic of the safety barrier at the edge of the road. It dug into the side of her head so she was glad Grandma had made her put her pink woolly hat on early that morning. She expected to hear Grandma’s voice calling her name, but there was too much shouting and shoving going on. When the pushing stopped, she wriggled enough to see between a lady’s blue jeans and a man in grey to try and work out how to get back to Grandma. But all she could see were the bottomless bag tipped over in the road, the thermos flask and Wet Wipes rolling in the gutter, and Grandma’s brown laced shoes sticking out, her legs not moving. Then she couldn’t see anything any more, just hot wet blurriness. She knew that even when Grandma was fully alert and not flopped at an angle she always took a few seconds to get her knees working well enough to get up from the settee. She must have been too slow off the mark to get up from her chair and those nasty people pushing had knocked her over.
The lady in the blue jeans looked down at the pink hat shaking by her waist and realised what had happened. At the same time another lady gathered up the contents of the bag, whilst two tall black men wearing Arsenal shirts were bending over Grandma. The man in grey began to talk on his mobile. By the time the people had helped Amber back to the chairs, Grandma was sitting, blinking and pale faced, with a red lump swelling visibly on her forehead. She was so relieved to see that Amber was safe. They gave each other the biggest-ever hug and then a nice fat lady gave Amber a yellow fruit gum.
Suddenly two men in dark uniforms appeared from along the road. Amber wondered why they were allowed behind the red and white barriers, but it was clear when they got closer that they must not be ordinary people. Clearly they were saints, as it said in white writing on their uniform that they were both St John. Amber thought it was odd that they both had the same name, but it was not that unusual; there were three Bens and four Mohammeds in her class. It also said Ambulance, but they must have left that behind, on account of the traffic restrictions. Instead they had a big black bag, even bigger than the bottomless bag, and they straightaway took out first aid gear and set about checking the lump on Grandma’s head.
They had hardly finished fixing the dressing when there was a roar of motorbikes as police outriders went past, signalling that the procession was soon arriving. The crowd rustled with expectation and cheers could be heard from further up the road. Amber forgot everything that had happened as soon as she saw the first of the horses. This was a day she would remember all her life and, when she was as old as Grandma, she would tell it to her own grandchildren.
Grandma was an old hand at this, in more ways than one. She was proud to have seen every royal wedding since the Queen had married the Duke of Edinburgh, though if pressed on that one she would admit she had actually been too young to remember much about it. The coronation was a different matter, and she still had a jigsaw of the golden state coach; it lived in a battered old red white and blue box in the sideboard cupboard and it had a piece of sky missing at the top near Admiralty Arch. On wet days Amber was allowed to do the puzzle.
Grandma had slumped sideways in her camp chair and her eyes were shut; no chance of a biscuit yet then, not until she had finished ‘resting her eyes’. Amber studied the other people waiting alongside them. Some had brought blankets and sleeping bags and she wondered what it would be like to have a mass sleepover, all night long on the cold hard pavement. Just then there was a commotion behind as some new people turned up and started trying to barge to the front. They had loud voices and used naughty words. The people who were already there did not sound very pleased and used even more rude words. There was a lot of shoving and Amber sprung to her feet, and then found herself carried sideways, away from the camp chairs, and squashed against the red and white stripy plastic of the safety barrier at the edge of the road. It dug into the side of her head so she was glad Grandma had made her put her pink woolly hat on early that morning. She expected to hear Grandma’s voice calling her name, but there was too much shouting and shoving going on. When the pushing stopped, she wriggled enough to see between a lady’s blue jeans and a man in grey to try and work out how to get back to Grandma. But all she could see were the bottomless bag tipped over in the road, the thermos flask and Wet Wipes rolling in the gutter, and Grandma’s brown laced shoes sticking out, her legs not moving. Then she couldn’t see anything any more, just hot wet blurriness. She knew that even when Grandma was fully alert and not flopped at an angle she always took a few seconds to get her knees working well enough to get up from the settee. She must have been too slow off the mark to get up from her chair and those nasty people pushing had knocked her over.
The lady in the blue jeans looked down at the pink hat shaking by her waist and realised what had happened. At the same time another lady gathered up the contents of the bag, whilst two tall black men wearing Arsenal shirts were bending over Grandma. The man in grey began to talk on his mobile. By the time the people had helped Amber back to the chairs, Grandma was sitting, blinking and pale faced, with a red lump swelling visibly on her forehead. She was so relieved to see that Amber was safe. They gave each other the biggest-ever hug and then a nice fat lady gave Amber a yellow fruit gum.
Suddenly two men in dark uniforms appeared from along the road. Amber wondered why they were allowed behind the red and white barriers, but it was clear when they got closer that they must not be ordinary people. Clearly they were saints, as it said in white writing on their uniform that they were both St John. Amber thought it was odd that they both had the same name, but it was not that unusual; there were three Bens and four Mohammeds in her class. It also said Ambulance, but they must have left that behind, on account of the traffic restrictions. Instead they had a big black bag, even bigger than the bottomless bag, and they straightaway took out first aid gear and set about checking the lump on Grandma’s head.
They had hardly finished fixing the dressing when there was a roar of motorbikes as police outriders went past, signalling that the procession was soon arriving. The crowd rustled with expectation and cheers could be heard from further up the road. Amber forgot everything that had happened as soon as she saw the first of the horses. This was a day she would remember all her life and, when she was as old as Grandma, she would tell it to her own grandchildren.
Waitresses
CHARACTERS:
Sarah, a waitress
Lauren, a waitress
Sarah’s father
SCENE:
In a restaurant. Outside it is dark. Lauren is near the kitchen door. Sarah comes through it to join her
SARAH Hi Lauren, Sorry I’m late – I had some work to finish so I came straight from college and then the bus was late. Has Mike said anything about me not being in?
LAUREN No, you’re OK. I don’t think he’s missed you. He’s too busy fussing round that new girl in the kitchen. I think he fancies his chances. Anyway, you’re only ten minutes late. Chill.
SARAH Is it busy?
LAUREN Not really, not for a Friday night. I think everybody went out for Valentine’s instead. It was manic– every table booked up all night and a great queue of people waiting. They were going spare in the kitchen. You can just imagine what Bernie was like. Thinks he’s Gordon Ramsey.
SARAH I‘m glad I wasn’t around. I bet you were rushed off your feet. I hate it when it’s that busy. The kitchen always get things mixed up and then it’s us that have to sort it out with the customers. Some people can be so rude.
LAUREN It’s always busy Valentine’s. I’d have thought Mike would have had you in as well for an extra shift.
SARAH No chance. He’d have had to pay me the extra. He’s so tight you’d think it was his own money. Anyway, I couldn’t have come in. Life is complicated enough getting here as it is, with a Dad like mine.
LAUREN No change then?
SARAH Afraid not. He still treats me like I’m about twelve. Thinks I should be in all the time doing my homework.
LAUREN I don’t know how you stand it
SARAH Not a lot of choice really. He’d kill me if he found out I’ve got a job, and my Mum’s no different. She just goes along with whatever he says.
LAUREN I’m glad my Mum’s not like that. She even got me this job. She used to be at school with Mike’s sister. How do they expect you to manage without your wages?
SARAH Who knows? It’s just as well you put in a good word for me with Mike and got me taken on here or I’d be really short of money. Oh well, it looks like table seven is ready to order.
LAUREN And the couple near the window on table one should have finished their coffees by now. Can you just do me a favour and see if they are ready when you go past? I need to bring out the starters for four and check if the mains are ready for eight.
SARAH Sure
Both go to tables. Sarah takes order then goes to kitchen, walking behind window table. The couple at the table are looking out of the window and do not appear to see her. There is a reflection in the glass. Lauren returns
SARAH Oh my God, Lauren, I’m really sorry. I couldn’t clear table one. You’ll never believe it, but it’s my Mum and Dad. Can you do it and I’ll do your tables at the back and hope they don’t see me?
LAUREN You’re joking! Yeah, don’t worry. Just keep out of the way and they probably won’t notice you in this dim light. They’ll most likely be going soon in any case; they came in early.
Lauren goes to window table
LAUREN Anything else, sir?
FATHER No thank you. That was excellent. Just the bill, please.
Lauren goes and returns with bill
Father reads it and pays with large pile of notes
LAUREN Thank you sir, but excuse me, it isn’t that much. The lighting is so dim in here it is difficult to see, I know.
FATHER No, there’s no mistake. The rest is a tip.
LAUREN That’s extremely generous of you sir, but that’s way more than people usually tip. It’s as much as the meal cost. I couldn’t possibly take that much.
FATHER Oh yes you could. You are to share it between yourself and your colleague over there. I know you’re a good friend to her. Tell her that this customer has realised how hard she has been working, and that the pair of you deserve every penny of it. You can’t keep many secrets in a town this size, you know.
Winks, waves across to Sarah, rises, collects coats and leaves with mother, both smiling. Sarah and Lauren, open mouthed, watch them go. Ends with a clatter as Sarah loses her grip on her empty tray and drops it.
Sarah, a waitress
Lauren, a waitress
Sarah’s father
SCENE:
In a restaurant. Outside it is dark. Lauren is near the kitchen door. Sarah comes through it to join her
SARAH Hi Lauren, Sorry I’m late – I had some work to finish so I came straight from college and then the bus was late. Has Mike said anything about me not being in?
LAUREN No, you’re OK. I don’t think he’s missed you. He’s too busy fussing round that new girl in the kitchen. I think he fancies his chances. Anyway, you’re only ten minutes late. Chill.
SARAH Is it busy?
LAUREN Not really, not for a Friday night. I think everybody went out for Valentine’s instead. It was manic– every table booked up all night and a great queue of people waiting. They were going spare in the kitchen. You can just imagine what Bernie was like. Thinks he’s Gordon Ramsey.
SARAH I‘m glad I wasn’t around. I bet you were rushed off your feet. I hate it when it’s that busy. The kitchen always get things mixed up and then it’s us that have to sort it out with the customers. Some people can be so rude.
LAUREN It’s always busy Valentine’s. I’d have thought Mike would have had you in as well for an extra shift.
SARAH No chance. He’d have had to pay me the extra. He’s so tight you’d think it was his own money. Anyway, I couldn’t have come in. Life is complicated enough getting here as it is, with a Dad like mine.
LAUREN No change then?
SARAH Afraid not. He still treats me like I’m about twelve. Thinks I should be in all the time doing my homework.
LAUREN I don’t know how you stand it
SARAH Not a lot of choice really. He’d kill me if he found out I’ve got a job, and my Mum’s no different. She just goes along with whatever he says.
LAUREN I’m glad my Mum’s not like that. She even got me this job. She used to be at school with Mike’s sister. How do they expect you to manage without your wages?
SARAH Who knows? It’s just as well you put in a good word for me with Mike and got me taken on here or I’d be really short of money. Oh well, it looks like table seven is ready to order.
LAUREN And the couple near the window on table one should have finished their coffees by now. Can you just do me a favour and see if they are ready when you go past? I need to bring out the starters for four and check if the mains are ready for eight.
SARAH Sure
Both go to tables. Sarah takes order then goes to kitchen, walking behind window table. The couple at the table are looking out of the window and do not appear to see her. There is a reflection in the glass. Lauren returns
SARAH Oh my God, Lauren, I’m really sorry. I couldn’t clear table one. You’ll never believe it, but it’s my Mum and Dad. Can you do it and I’ll do your tables at the back and hope they don’t see me?
LAUREN You’re joking! Yeah, don’t worry. Just keep out of the way and they probably won’t notice you in this dim light. They’ll most likely be going soon in any case; they came in early.
Lauren goes to window table
LAUREN Anything else, sir?
FATHER No thank you. That was excellent. Just the bill, please.
Lauren goes and returns with bill
Father reads it and pays with large pile of notes
LAUREN Thank you sir, but excuse me, it isn’t that much. The lighting is so dim in here it is difficult to see, I know.
FATHER No, there’s no mistake. The rest is a tip.
LAUREN That’s extremely generous of you sir, but that’s way more than people usually tip. It’s as much as the meal cost. I couldn’t possibly take that much.
FATHER Oh yes you could. You are to share it between yourself and your colleague over there. I know you’re a good friend to her. Tell her that this customer has realised how hard she has been working, and that the pair of you deserve every penny of it. You can’t keep many secrets in a town this size, you know.
Winks, waves across to Sarah, rises, collects coats and leaves with mother, both smiling. Sarah and Lauren, open mouthed, watch them go. Ends with a clatter as Sarah loses her grip on her empty tray and drops it.
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